Tuesday, January 30, 2007


How could you not love dinosaur comics, when they have a card for sale that says this?

Friday, January 26, 2007

Quote Contest I

I've decided to start off with four people, with varying levels of difficulty. At least one is un-googlable, so far as I know.

I'd appreciate it if everyone just went with their brains, not their g00gle skillz, but it's unrealistic to ask that. I guess I'll just ask people to point out if they got an answer from g00gle when they write it in. You'll get full credit, but I'll mock you.

Here we go!

1. "Indignity? I'll have you know I work for the President of the United States of America!"

2. "You're a cigarette."

3. "If you're looking for trouble, you've found it." & "Pizza Pizza. Pizza Pizza. Pizza Pizza."

4. "Just imagine, if you will, what kind of delicious suffering awaits you at the hands of the most powerful milkman in the universe."

Monday, January 22, 2007

Quote Contest

As you know, I am a fan of the contests. (I am also a fan of inserting the articles where they aren't strictly necessary.) In that spirit, I am in the process of designing a quote contest.

The rules are rather simple: I will put up some quotes, the first person to correctly guess them wins a point each. You don't need to answer all of them at once, you can answer as many as you know.

If the contest said,
1. "D'oh!"
2. "A deer!"
3. "A female deer!"

You could just answer with, "#1 is Homer Simpson", and that would be good for one point.

If you came back and got the other two before anyone else, you'd get two more points, and so on.

I should have the first edition of the contest later this week.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

School's Back In Session. Let's Resume our Lessons.

So, I haven't posted in a little while. I'd like to say it's because school is back in session, but when I haven't studied at all yet, it's hard to blame it. Anyway, I'll probably be updating less during the school session.

One point for whoever first identifies the source of the title quote. I'm looking for both media and character for this one.

PS. This is the best page of any comic ever. Pure ninja violence.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


There are some historians who claim that Ancient Greece was the first true Democracy. A modern American will probably be confused by the claim. "A government whose every action is determined by six thousand men whose sole qualification is wealth? Sounds more like America than a Democracy to me."

Thank you, and good night.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

1 Year Anniversary

It's the blog's 1 year anniversary. I believe the traditional gift for the first year is money, so feel free to mail me some.

I'd like to thank all of my readers. Both of them. Thanks, guys. I could have done it without you, but it would have been incredibly depressing.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


There are many great superheroes. Few can compare to one that I have recently discovered: Dogwelder.

A superhero who literally welds dogs to people. Dead dogs.

Here's the first appearance of the greatest hero of all time.

PS. I was tempted to write up the dogwelding power in GURPS, write the guy up as a character, bring back the old contest for an even more obscure guy than the current unsolved character. I probably will write up dogwelding some time.

PPS. If you need any more information on Dogwelder, I suggest the excellent dogwelder.com


This is just ridiculous. After my frantic maneuvering to increase my page rank on searches for "carsonist", I find that this weblog still doesn't show up in the top five hits. In fact, the ol' blog has gone down at least one rank, as the one urban dictionary entry I wrote has a higher page rank than this weblog. How are these things calculated?

PS. Blogger doesn't recognize the word "weblog" as a word. It's complaining about the "misspelling" right now.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Cow Tipping

This is going to blow your mind. There is NO SUCH THING AS COW TIPPING.

That's right. Cow tipping, like the boogie man and eskimoes, doesn't exist. I offer you an eloquent piece of proof: if you do a search on YouTube, the internet's cloaca, for "cow tipping", you will find no film of people tipping over cows.

There are other compelling arguments for the claim, like the physical problem of a 200 pound guy knocking over a 1,500 pound cow, the fact that cows don't sleep standing up, etc., but I think it's much more compelling that not one person has uploaded a video of themselves doing it.

People have videos of themselves dancing and lip-syncing to popular songs. And those are some of the popular videos.

At least cow tipping is moderately believable, unlike eskimoes. I mean, honestly. People are supposed to live up in a place that's very cold, then build a house out of ICE? Ice is cold! They'd end up freezing faster!

The things that some people believe!

Monday, January 08, 2007

New Address

Well, the blog is at its new address, and it didn't work out perfectly. The old address seems to have the remnants of the blog still festering there. If there were more than 5 viewers, I would be concerned about losing some of them. With my audience, I can actually tell each of them that I moved several times.

I wish there was some way I could update the old address, but it seems to be completely out of my control. C'est la vie.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Geometry Wars

As you should be able to tell from my gamercard on the right, the game I've been playing lately is Geometry Wars. It is totally excellent. Gameplay-wise, it is like Smash TV or Robotron, if you know what either of those are.

Graphics-wise, it is the most psychedelic thing ever created. There's really no way to describe it, it has to be seen and played to be understood.

It's a good example of what the XBOX Live service can do. If you couldn't get the 360 on the internet, there'd be no reasonable way to distribute this game. After all, no one would pay 20$ for it, but it is a legitimate game in its own right.

5 out of 5 Pongs

PS. It took a ridiculous time to get those pongs on there, so you'd better appreciate them.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Horror movies

I think we can all agree that horror movies are almost universally poor. Yet there seems to be another one every month.

Clearly, there is some band of idiots ruining theaters by going to every horror movie they can find, and giving money to idiots who make crappy movies.

We should therefore ban all horror movies, and hunt down people who watch them and ship them to Tibet. It's the only reasonable thing to do.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

New Title

I thought of a more appropriate name for Heroes:

Hiro's Tale

With 7 other stories cynically
designed to increase marketshare
in key demographics

The show has a lot of good things in it, I freely admit. I like the parts with Hiro as much as the next person. I just realized that the "law and order" story and the "emo political family" story and the "I want my son back" story are there to appeal to other people.

I don't know if it works. Maybe Law and Order fans think to themselves, "Why in the world are they spending all this time on these foreign tourists?" as they watch it.

Monday, January 01, 2007

XBOX 360

I have started a new year with a new thing: XBOX live for the XBOX360. As I have just begun, I receive one free month of Gold membership (the kind that lets you play games online) for free. Unfortunately, this began immediately upon my membership's beginning, not at my whim. That is a little frustrating.

The only game I have with me at the moment for online play is Gears of War. I have to say that it is a bad experience. I spent easily 15 minutes just looking for a game. Once I got in a game, the game design wasn't very good; it was just Team Slayer with no respawn, last guy alive's team wins. There is also a time limit. This leads to a frustrating problem: if a person is outnumbered, his best strategy is to hide and hope to do better in the next round, since a "time-out" is a draw.

Anyway, you can see my Gamertag on the right, if Internet is working right.

Jack Handy