Ranking The Best Hats in TF2

Let's rank the best hats in TF2, using science! (Note, I'm not including items that can't be traded.)

In a purely scientific sense, the hats that give an in-game bonus must be the most valuable. This means we have to start with the Polycount hats.

Polycount Hats (Rank 1)
Familiar Fez
Milkman
The Attendant
Ol' Snaggletooth
Grenadier's Cap

After the Polycount hats, things become more subjective. Market forces make it clear that one hat stands above the rest in value, though.

Event Hats (Rank 2)
Max's Severed Head
The Lumbricus Lid

It seems like not many people bought the Sam and Max games, so there aren't many of the severed heads to go around. After Max's Severed Head, it's even more subjective what hats have what value. There are some good statistics at TF2stats.net.

A special category of "Hat" are the second slot items. These have a high value because there are so few of them. Only three classes have their own. Where each medic may want a different hat, every medic wants the Physician's Procedure Mask, which makes it roughly 5 times as valuable as a given medic hat.

Second Slot Items (Rank 3)
Physician's Procedure Mask
The Whiskered Gentleman

Since the Camera Beard was being dropped at the rate of a regular item for so long, and it's kinda stupid looking, I'm putting it much lower on the list. Earbuds too.

The next set of hats are the hats that all the classes can wear. These have more value to those poor and Irish people who don't have a specific hat for each class.

All Class Hats (Rank 4)
Towering Pillar of Hats
Modest Pile of Hat
Noble Amassment of Hats

The bulk of hats don't fit into any particular category. Their ranking is purely aesthetic. I've grouped them by class.

Regular Hats (Rank 5)


Scout
Troublemaker's Tossle Cap
Bombing Run
Ye Olde Baker Boy
Whoopee Cap
Batter's Helmet
Bonk Helm
   
Soldier
Stout Shako
Chieftain's Challenge
Dr's Dapper Topper
Killer's Kabuto
Sergeant's Drill Hat
Tyrant's Helm
Stainless Pot

Pyro
Brigade Helm
Vintage Merryweather
Old Guadalajara
Napper's Respite
Triboniophorus Tyrannus
Respectless Rubber Glove
Pyro's Beanie
   
Demo
Tippler's Tricorne
Hustler's Hallmark
Demoman's Fro
Glengarry Bonnet
Carouser's Capotain
Sober Stuntman
Rimmed Raincatcher
   
Heavy
Hound Dog
Pugilist's Protector
Heavy Duty Rag
Officer's Ushanka
Tough Guy's Toque

Engie
Hotrod
Texas Ten Gallon
Engineer's Cap
Safe'n'Sound

Medic
Otolaryngologist's Mirror
Ze Goggles
Vintage Tyrolean
Gentleman's Gatsby
Prussian Pickelhaube
   
Sniper
Professional's Panama
Master's Yellow Belt
Shooter's Sola Topi
Bloke's Bucket Hat

Spy   
Fancy Fedora
Backbiter's Billycock
Magistrate's Mullet
Frenchman's Beret

I've included a special category for hats that don't look like you have a hat at all. Also stupid looking hats.

Stupid Hats (Rank 6)
Scotsman's Stovepipe (Looks like the Gibus)
Soldier's Stash
Mining Helmet
Trophy Belt
Handyman's Handle
Hard Counter
Football Helmet

The second to last category is the "Hatless" hats

Hatless (Rank 7)
Hatless Sniper
Hatless Engineer
Hatless Scout

The last category is hats that basically everyone has.

The Common Hats (Rank 8)
Bill's Hat
Ellis' Hat

Earbuds
Camera Beard
Alien Swarm Parasite