I've been cleaning out my apartment, and it is hard work. One thing I've learned: the cleaning power of a product is directly proportional to the health risks on the label. To get something truly clean, I'm looking for a product that says, "in the event of contact with skin, contact a mortician."
PS. I did this joke the day before Colbert did it. I stole it from someone else, but I can only assume that he stole it from me.